Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.
- G.K. Chesterton

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.
- Woodrow Wilson

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

* Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion
Chinese couldn't care less.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

The man who fears no truths has nothing to fear from lies.
- Thomas Jefferson

Pay attention to your enemies. They are the first to discover your mistakes.
- Antisthenes

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Red Buttons

Never moon a werewolf.
Mike Binder

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool about it!!

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
- Sam Brown, The Washington Post, January 26, 1977

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
- Lazarus Long, Time Enough for Love

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.
- Sydney Biddle Barrows, the Mayflower Madam

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
- Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.
- Dan Zevin

"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. "
- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. "
- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. "
- Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. "
- Henry Ford (1863-1947)

Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear.
- Lazarus Long

Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
- Lazarus Long

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." -- Bob Hope

Anyalyzing humour is like dissecting a frog: nobody enjoys it, and the frog usually dies as a result.

Arnold's Addendum:
Everything else causes cancer in rats.
-- fortune

A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.

"A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal.
'I would like to give you this personality test', said the outsider, 'because I want you to be happy.'
Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster, saying: 'I wish the toaster to be happy, too.'"
-- AI Koans, from the Jargon File

"You can't lick the system, but you can certainly give it a damn good fondling..."
-- the Discordian

"Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure."
-- Unknown

Never replicate a successful experiment.
-- Fett's Law

$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
- Lazarus Long

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

People say:
"The early bird catches the worm"
I say that
"The early worm was caught by the bird"